Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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