You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
