I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
