I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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