nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
