never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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