Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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