don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
