I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
