I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
