Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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