Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
