some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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