Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
