we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There r osticjed everywhere
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
