Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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