Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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