A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
