there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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