your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
