She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
