I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
