This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just threw up on my dentist
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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