At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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