i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
