You're earring is so big in my mouth
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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