why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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