Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I have post one night stand depression
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