I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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