I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I love you. Go after that dick
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
