im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
