He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Randomize
