one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
