You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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