i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
