I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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