I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
