1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
