I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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