Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
