I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This toilet bowl is my home.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
