I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
