Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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