mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
ttyl tear gas
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
