I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
