While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
