Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
