Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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