I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
not ubering you a puppy
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
