Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
