She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
