I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
