Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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