hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
