she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
