I'm drive I can fine osifer
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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