I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
