She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
