he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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