They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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