Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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