Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
