Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
