So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I intend to get homeless drunk
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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