Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
