I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
