I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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