she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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